Nature Trail to Hell
by PearlyJammer
Summary: The X-Men face the most evil force in the world; the Boy Scouts of America....
1. Default Chapter

Title: Nature Trail to Hell! 1/2  
  
  
  
Author: Autumn  
  
  
  
E-mail: eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com  
  
  
  
Rating: PG-EVIL  
  
  
  
Summary: Logan, Marie and the X-Men face the most terrifying thing  
  
known to man, (aside from Barbara Walters, and Martha Stewart, and  
  
Regis Philban and the peeps of course).  
  
  
  
Archive Rights: Mutual Admiration, WRFA, XMMFFC, etc.  
  
  
  
Thanks to Karen for the suggestions and assurance that this isn't  
  
completely stupid.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the line I borrowed  
  
from Monty Python.  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: This is partially based on a true story. I am quite  
  
opposed to the highly homophobic organization the "Boy Scouts of  
  
America." It's insulting that the last word in their title is  
  
America, which is meant to stand for tolerance and freedom. The BS  
  
(and don't you just love the irony of that abbreviation?) are very  
  
homophobic and intolerant of any religion that falls out of the  
  
Christian domain. I don't feel guilty at all for making them out to  
  
be idiots.  
  
  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
  
  
`Twas a quiet day in Westchester. The bees were buzzing. The  
  
grass was growing; the kids were toking other kinds of grass. The  
  
Wolverine and the Rogue were fu- well doing things that aren't really  
  
printable in a family-friendly story and are still illegal in  
  
Montana.  
  
Anyway, the idealyc atmosphere was interrupted when professor fluffy-  
  
ballerina-man (formerly known as Charles Xavier, but he'd changed his  
  
name due to going loopy with old age) called his X-men to action.  
  
"X-Men, I calleth the to action!" He screamed through his  
  
mind, creating migraine headaches in all of his employees.  
  
Slowly but surely the X-men stumbled into the giant pink tutu that  
  
had until recently been a conference room. Scott, Jean, Logan, Marie,  
  
Remy and Storm all rolled their eyes at the old codger who was  
  
dressed in a pink leotard and hot pink tutu. He looked like the Pink  
  
Panther had mated with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.  
  
" You know Ch-" Jean started.  
  
"It's Fluffy Ballerina Man damnit! Is that so hard to  
  
understand?" The irritated bald man shouted.  
  
"Okay, I just feel a little bit silly calling you that sir"  
  
Jean finished.  
  
"Well, I feel weird calling you "Jean" but I do it anyway. I  
  
expect you to do the same for me." The pink one commanded.  
  
"What the hell's the problem?" A certain Canadian gruffly  
  
inquired.  
  
"X-Men, I need you to go save some people from a horrible,  
  
bad thing."  
  
"But, Magneto's in prison, Mystique's in a traveling circus  
  
and Sabertooth had a lobotomy and writes children's stories now. Who  
  
else is there to defeat?" Rogue asked.  
  
"The BSA you silly, willy, nilly head!" Fluffy-ballerina man  
  
exclaimed.  
  
"The who?" A confused Scott continued.  
  
"The Boy Scouts of America."  
  
"Can't we just let Magneto out of his gerbil cage and go  
  
catch him again instead?" Storm desperately asked.  
  
"To answer that, I shall use American Sign Language" the FBM  
  
dramatically stated.  
  
He crooked his fingers into an 'n' and then an 'o'. Logan  
  
leaned over and whispered in Rogue's ear, "I'll show him some sign  
  
language."  
  
"Now, be gone with you! And bring me back some of those  
  
cookies."  
  
"Um, monsure, the petite flilles do those, not the boys" Remy  
  
interjected.  
  
"GO!" The agitated man yelled at the sextet.  
  
Not wanting to deal with his pinkness anymore, they left the  
  
sickeningly cheery room and headed to the blackbird, which was now  
  
also a bright shade of pink, as were the formerly black uniforms.  
  
Rogue had repainted her uniform a lovely shade of green. Logan of  
  
course had spray painted his a far more manly color- brown.  
  
"Heh, Scooter looks like the spokesman for the gay straight  
  
alliance!" Logan said in regards to the pink clad leader.  
  
"Better than looking like a giant walking turd." Then again,  
  
you look like that all the time no matter what you wear Logan." Scott  
  
shot back.  
  
Logan flipped him the middle claw and stalked past Scott to  
  
board the plane. As he reached Scott, he slapped him upside the head.  
  
"Logan!" Jean reprimanded.  
  
"What? My hand slipped." Logan said with mock innocence or  
  
Logan said, feigning innocence.  
  
The rest of the team boarded the plane and took their  
  
respective seats. Scott and Storm took the piglet and co-piglet  
  
seats. Remy and Jean sat behind them, and on the floor in the back of  
  
the plane sat Logan with Rogue in his lap. Ever since the plane had  
  
had an interior redecoration of pink leather, the pair refused to sit  
  
in their assigned seats. They claimed the color gave them nightmares.  
  
  
  
  
  
Earlier that day in Montana....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The Snow bank Jamboree was well under way. Boy scouts from  
  
Idaho, Washington, Montana, and Oregon had traveled to western  
  
Montana to participate in the premiere event of the scouting year.  
  
Camping in the woods in the dead of winter in freezing conditions. Oh  
  
joy. The boys and their troup leaders were gathering together at the  
  
huge fire pit that had been dug earlier in the day when a powerful  
  
and feared figure loomed over them- THE SCOUTMASTER!!!! He was known  
  
through out the land and regarded as the most important and awe-  
  
inspiring man in the completely hetero organization.  
  
The aforementioned manly, man (but not too manly) strode to  
  
the makeshift stage and picked up the microphone. He tilted his head  
  
just so and began to speak. "Scouts, leaders, board members. There is  
  
an evil here among us. Someone out there has been spreading this" he  
  
said as he held up a copy of the book 'Why can't Billy and Timmy be  
  
Good Friends?'  
  
"As I'm sure you all know, this is listed as a code 33A in  
  
the Scouting handbook. You know what that all means." He continued  
  
bravely.  
  
  
  
"No, sir I don't." A little boy in the back shouted out.  
  
  
  
"Well son, it means that this here book obviously points to  
  
faggotry, fairyism, and general gayness. Its one of the homosexual  
  
tools they use to recruit weak-willed young men." The Scoutmaster  
  
finished.  
  
Just them a lone tree swayed in the forest, and the snap of a  
  
stick was heard. It was followed by a terrifying scream. The brave  
  
Scoutmaster stood still and commanded the local troup leader to  
  
investigate. About thirty-seconds later he returned, his face pale  
  
and his knees shaking.  
  
"Well Johnson, what is it?" The authorative one spake.  
  
"It's Newell sir, he's uh dead. His badge was ripped off and  
  
his neck was broken." Johnson replied.  
  
"Who the hell would kill a troup leader! It's unimaginable  
  
and evil. Must have been one of those right-wing fruitcakes." The  
  
wise one concluded.  
  
"Johnson we're going to get to the bottom of this. We have to  
  
show these scouts that no fudgepacker is going to kill one of our  
  
righteous and get away with it!" The Scoutmaster again stated.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
In the Pink/Blackbird.....  
  
  
  
  
  
"Who the hell cares if some stupid ass troup leader bit it?"  
  
Logan growled angered at the stupid mission they were embarking on.  
  
"Logan, who cares what we're doing as long as we get away  
  
from Professor Tuti-fruity!" Jean exclaimed.  
  
"Yes, his obsession with the color pink is muy-annoying no?"  
  
Remy interjected.  
  
"Will someone please think of the children!" Storm suddenly  
  
shouted, "They are in great peril!"  
  
"How perilous is the peril?" Scott nervously asked.  
  
"I don't know, you're the team leader, you tell me" the  
  
Goddess stated.  
  
"Oh, right, let me look that up in my handbook." Scott said  
  
as he whipped out his copy of the Eagle Scout Handy-Dandy  
  
Everything's Cool Handbook.  
  
The rest of the team just stared at him. Rogue gave him an  
  
incredulous look and fixed him with a deadly stare. " Scott, you  
  
know how I feel about boy scouts. I am going to give you three  
  
seconds to jump out of this plane, and then I am going to throw you  
  
out."  
  
Scott didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed his pink  
  
parachute, strapped it on and jumped out of the plane. Logan looked  
  
at Rogue with a mixture of lust, happiness and yeah lust. He jumped  
  
her and they quickly got down to doing the dirty deed, again.  
  
Jean simply looked back and rolled her eyes at the  
  
pair. "That's what, the third time they've done that on a mission?  
  
They need to get their priorities sorted out."  
  
Storm just nodded at the comment as she expertly brought the  
  
Pinkbird down onto the snowy field in Montana. The team untapped  
  
themselves from their seats and waited a little less than patiently  
  
for Logan and Rogue to er-finish their pre-battle warm-up and dress  
  
in their altered uniforms. The team stepped out of the plane and  
  
found themselves surrounded by miniature soldiers in tan shirts and  
  
red kerchiefs.  
  
"Oh shit" Logan said as the scouts advanced on the five X-  
  
Men. It was then that they spotted a pink spot in the sea of beige.  
  
"Great Scott!" The five X-Men shouted together as their  
  
formerly fearless leader stepped forward from the  
  
Scouts.....................  
  
  
  
  
  
To be Continued.....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition! -Monty Python  
  
Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? -Dr. Evil 


	2. Nature Trail to Hell 2/2

Where we last left the X-Men:  
  
In a snow covered field in Montana the X-Men stared in open-mouthed silence  
  
as a pack of wild boy-scouts, and one pink clad Scott advanced on them.  
  
  
  
"Scott, I thought you were on the side of truth and justice and equality!" a  
  
distraught Jean Grey cried.  
  
"Well babe I am, but I'm also all for ending the spread of HIV, and AIDS  
  
that are ruining out great nation! We must end the faggotry that runs  
  
rampant in America!" the pink wonder proclaimed.  
  
" Okay, but that still doesn't explain why you're with the lynch mob  
  
Scooter" Logan argued.  
  
" I cannot associate myself with you when I know for a fact that one of you  
  
is a flagrant fairy!" Scott shot out.  
  
"Oh really, mousier? Who is it?" Remy asked with genuine curiosity.  
  
"Logan." Scott stated, rather proudly.  
  
Before Logan could pop his claws and gut Scooter, Rogue came to his  
  
defense. "Oh honey, I can assure you Logan is SOOOOO not gay!"  
  
"Okay, then its Remy." The rather unastute leader surmised.  
  
"Remy is not gay at all, unless I'm a man" Ororo coolly stated.  
  
"Well its not Jean, duh!" Scott snorted, clearly miffed that none of the  
  
others was owning up to their obvious secret life-style.  
  
"Um actually Scott, I'm bi-sexual" the redhead confessed.  
  
"No, no, no! You're my girlfriend damnit! You have to be on the straight  
  
and narrow path just like my boyscouts and me! Who have you been seeing  
  
Jean?" a distraught Scott inquired.  
  
Suddenly the Scoutmaster shifted into the familiar sight of scaly-blue  
  
Mystique. She strode over to Jean and engaged in a lip-lock with the  
  
redheaded X-Man. The stunned troops were confused. Their all-powerful  
  
Scoutmaster was a woman? Impossible! No woman could organize a manly event  
  
like the jamboree!  
  
The two lovebirds eventually drew away, but remained staring lovingly into  
  
the other's eyes. Finally Logan spoke up with the question on everyone's  
  
mind.  
  
"What the fuck are we here for?"  
  
"Oh, um some troop guy was killed or something right? And we have to  
  
apprehend the culprit, because Montana cops are too stupid to figure this  
  
one out." Rogue replied.  
  
"Oh, well actually we know who killed the troop leader. It was Sabertooth"  
  
Mystique spoke up.  
  
"What the hell for?" Ororo erupted.  
  
"Well, Jean and I needed a way to bring all the important people in our  
  
lives together, so we could show you all that we love each other very much."  
  
Mystique informed the group.  
  
"Oh, and you needed to kill a boy-scout leader to bring us all together so  
  
we could preach against intolerance and teach assistance?" Rogue asked.  
  
"No, we just don't like boy-scouts. Victor, let'r rip!" Jean shouted.  
  
The huge beastman lunged forward and began digging his claws into  
  
boy-scouts, swinging left and right. The troups screamed and ran for their  
  
lives, knocking other boys to the ground and generally ignoring all the  
  
manners and rules of scouting that they had ever learned.  
  
Meanwhile, a stunned group of X-Men stood by and watched the carnage.  
  
"Shouldn't we help?" Remy questioned.  
  
"No, they deserve it after years of intolerance and oppression of others"  
  
Rogue stated.  
  
The others turned to look at her. "Sorry, Erik slips out every now and  
  
then."  
  
By this time, the ultra-fast Sabertooth had pretty much taken care of the  
  
boy-scouts and the X-Men turned to leave when they heard Scott scream.  
  
"Should we take Scotter with us?"  
  
"No. He made his choice; he's one of them. Besides Mystique can always  
  
play Scott if fluffy ballerina man asks questions." Jean rationalized.  
  
The rest of the team simply shrugged and boarded the plane. Jean  
  
telepathically let the man in charge know the mission was completed.  
  
"X-Men, I have a mission for you!" the loon screamed into their minds.  
  
"I need you to infiltrate Target, I have run out of Depends!"  
  
"But, sir you do not wear Depends" Storm informed him.  
  
"Well, I do now!" the fluffy one cackled.  
  
The X-Men simply groaned and set a course towards Target, to pick up some  
  
dippers and some Trails End Popcorn.  
  
  
  
The End! 


End file.
